Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Dancelife: An Observation of Pop Culture

9:33 PM - I will now watch 30 minutes of a show called "Dancelife"... specifically, Episode 7: "Double Booked"... It is on MTV... a channel I have not watched for more than 3 consecutive seconds in the last 2 years...

First thoughts, this appears to be a show about various homosexual males evaluating physically attractive ethnic women... should be interesting.

9:35 PM - Apartments in west Hollywood are expensive... they are asking for $1650/mo. for an apartment that would cost $350/mo. in Tulsa and actually require the government to pay you to live there in Durant… none of which I would be completely comfortable having as a home… or even as an alternate place to urinate.

9:36 PM - Cut to random dance audition... These people can dance better than I can tie my shoes… if of course by "dance" I mean "very deliberately walk towards a mirror, experience a seizure, regroup, walk away".

9:38 PM - These people are super dramatic too. Homosexual males do not like being called a "bitch" by heterosexual Latinos. It appears as though the homosexual response to being called a "bitch" by a heterosexual Latino is to say "I don't even know who you are… why should I know you… I make things happen… who even are you?" Do homosexual experiences result in difficulty with proper syntax?

9:42 PM - OK, first commercial break...

1) I just realized I turned this into a running blog about a show called "Dancelife". Yes, that coincided with the realization that I have absolutely nothing to do on a Monday night.

2) I'm actually kind of shocked by the athleticism of some of these folks. I thought it was gonna mostly be hip-hop. I don't think it takes much athleticism to "pop and lock" as the kids call it. But a few of these folks clearly have classical ballet training. How can I tell? Because I have a trained eye. My trained eye is telling me they are far superior to others in the category of "being able to whirl around super fast doing a Big-Arms-Thingy then stop all dramatically and slowly allow their head to catch up with their body".

3) Yes, I like the ballet, I actually know some ballet terms like "Arrondi et Arabesque" (the aforementioned "Big-Arms-Thingy")... get off me... those ballet fools have perhaps the greatest strength to weight ratio of people who don't call themselves "gymnasticals".

They also wear things called "Cod Pieces" in front of large numbers of affluent elders.


9:44 PM - I like it when people argue as though they are totally cool with each other like "Good luck Nolan... I really hope that happens for you" or "It's all good dawg... I hope you have a nice day"... I also really like it when people show they are really emotional by licking their lips like it's been 2 weeks since they had any Carmex. what ever happened to spitting in somebody's face… or stabbing somebody with a wire coat hanger you unwound then wrapped around your clinched fist so as to expose only one and a half to two inches of rigid wiring?

Wait… too specific?

9:45 PM - Several females are auditioning for a video for somebody called "Omarion". They are all physically attractive. I should have been a rapper.

9:50 PM - Shit... An attractive young lady is having to choose between a Sketchers commercial and a rap video... but... I just got a text... it reads as follows:

"Dude, I'm watching the Amazing Race from last night. They have the
midget girl on here again and she's trying to put lug nuts on one of those tractor tires that are like 7 ft tall. Highest of high comedy"

I now am distracted... I am pretty sure I am missing gold on both fronts as I type... the Amazing Race account from a
friend with a proven sense of humor on one hand and hearing the word "drivenness" by a guy in two-inch inseam, silver lamae(sp?) shorts on the other.

I am in a glass case of emotion.

9:51 PM - OK, I just saw the physically attractive girl the homosexual referred to as "Jersey" walk off the Sketchers commercial shoot. I can honestly say that I am a fan of her's. I can also honestly say I am now in the market for a pair of Sketchers.

9:54 PM - "Omarion" is disgruntled by the fact that "Jersey" was booked to dance for his video but did the Sketchers shoot instead. How can you be angry about only 6 of 7 hand picked girls being willing to prostitute themselves in your trailer in return for maybe a combined total of 35 seconds of celluloid?

9:57 PM - Homosexual guy makes a very good point... "the more successful you get the more decisions like that you will have to make". This comment is worthy of note.

Either it was actual good, sound teaching gained from real world experience...


... it was fed to him by a producer and he is an incredible actor.

I honestly don't know which one is least likely.

Eureka! In typical Hollywood style he immediately destroys all semblance of sage responsibility by taking "Jersey" to buy a new Ford Mustang with her Sketchers paycheck. Those producers are sly.

Also, the mustang ran out of gas on the test drive.

10:01 PM – Heterosexual Latino confides in Masculine Afro-American female. Masculine Afro-American female offers little more than affirmative nodding of her head and comments like "You can do this… this is your passion… you are a dancer, you have to dance."

I am of the honest opinion that the worst thing you can possibly do for somebody is tell them exactly what they want to hear.

Apparently, heterosexual Latinos who call homosexuals "bitch" like to work off stress by dancing in perfectly lit and empty dance studios to a trendy soundtrack as flashbacks from the previous 30 minutes of the show flutter thru their minds' eye and are projected onto the studio's wall-to-wall mirrors. Perhaps he is trying to affirm himself and establish why a Homosexual male with superior dancing ability should know who he is.


Thank God.

Me watching this was the worst idea since somebody thought "France".

Post Script:

Holy crap... for reasons that surpass understanding I just assumed the least talented male dancer was heterosexual.

I was wrong.

Appearently, after reading MTV.com's episode guide I linked in the blog, this Nolan guy is gay.

My bad dude.

So this totally throws off the dynamic I perceived as "Heterosexual Latino calling Homosexual Caucasian 'Bitch'". To be honest, I loose a little respect for Homosexual Caucasian. Believing he was called a "bitch" by a straight guy, I thought he responded pretty well when he didn't go ape-shit. Now that I know he knew that insult was coming from a brother, or sister... whatever... it's not as impressive.

How was my gay-dar that off?

This is troubling.